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Live and Love Always!

I saw a movie tonight that touched my heart.  Called “Infamous,” the film is about Truman Capote, and stars Toby Jones and Sandra Bullock.  At the end of the movie, Sandra tells a little story about singers and writers. When they finish that scene with a song, it seems to take a little piece of them.  It brought a thought to my mind: when I come before two lovers to wed them, I also give... what I give is a small piece of my heart.  I am privileged to join these two in marriage.  I take time after each wedding to share words that I hope will keep them working at making their love for each other last a lifetime.  I tell them there is a saying: If you love your work, you never really work. Then, I share the other part of that saying: If you truly love someone, you will always work at making it the best that it can be.  As I give them these words, I hope they will feel them to their very soul - and work to make their marriage last a lifetime. I know if two people come before me to marry them, they want their love for each other to last a lifetime. 

Each of the things I tell them will help them on their way through life together.  I tell them that communication is the most important thing in a marriage - it will make it or break it!  I make a little jest for fun that this thought is intended for the groom, since communication is harder for the man most of the time. With that, the two smile and have a little giggle. I can see an ease come over them. I also add that “listening and body language are part of communication, too. And this is intended for both of you!”

The second thing they hear from me is the notion that today is a great day to make a pact with each other. I say, “Never go to bed mad. Now, mad does not mean you have been fighting. It could be something as simple as: ‘OH, I wish there was no lipstick on my coffee cup’ or ‘I wish the laundry was in the basket not near the basket!’ You know - those little things that can drive each of you crazy to the point of a potential argument.  If your head is on the pillow and the lights are out, and one of you thinks there is still need to talk about something, you need to sit up and turn on the lights. If you see the sun come up, oh well. You are both adults, and you can go a night without sleep - but your marriage can not go a night without working through a problem.”

“Talk a lot, listen more.” This is a very important bit of advice. Listening is the hardest part of communication!  I look at the bride and say, “You know us guys. Green is one color, and if you want us to see more shades of green like teal or forest green, you will need to explain it to us! You know already we do not take hint? Just say it!

I like to turn to the husband at this time to add, “You know marriage has changed over the years.” I wait for his response in the form of a nod, unsure where this is leading. Then I say. “You know. What’s hers is hers and what’s yours is hers, because you are hers!”  With this, I get a big smile from both – and a big, definite nod from the husband.  I turn to the bride and wittingly say, “You taught him well.” The bride loves that part.

That said, I become serious and explain the strength the two can draw from each other. I tell them that if they put their backs together, they can take on the world because their backs are covered, that the two of them equal one, and that the two of them together is their world. I also let them know that trust is very, very important; there is no room in a relationship for a green eye. A weary eye is always good, for that is how you look out for each other. You always want to cover your partners back.  Remember that jealousy will kill a marriage quickly. That is why you should strive to talk a lot and listen more.

Another thing a couple needs to know is how to protect the sanctuary of their home together. Say it is late at night, and there is a knock at the door from a friend or family member.  It is too late to offer that person a rented room. However, the next night, rent them a room. Now, if it is family, and there is need for more than one night, you both should talk about what to do.  Also, when your children are old enough, it is important to help them out of the nest. Help rent them a place or whatever may be needed. The main thing is to protect your sanctuary, for it is your home not a house for others. It is so very important to keep your sanctuary for yourselves. Other adults in the home can put stress on you and your relationship. It is gracious to help, but make sure you help yourselves first by making the stay short.

          There is something that I have recently added, after seeing on CNN the bridge that recently collapsed; so many people did not make it home to their loved ones. I tell them to never regret what you did not say!  Most of us saw or heard of this tragedy. The people who lost their lives will not get another chance to say words they forgot to say or just didn’t think to say before falling into that river. I guess my wife made me see this, also. Now going on 18 years together, when I leave home to go to the grocery store, work, or just leave the house, I get a kiss, a hug and hear the words that feel so good, “Drive carefully and I love you!’ Those words from her lips to my heart still feel good after all these years. I came to realize that it is very important to not regret what you DID NOT say. I want the couples that I marry to remember this and be sure to say such words often. You never know if you will be returning home or not. Make the last words you hear from each other before any departure are good enough to last a lifetime.

            I give the couple a bit of homework to do when they get home. In the evening when it is quiet, turn the phone off. Dim the lights; pour a drink; and get out a pen and piece of paper.  On the paper, make a line down the middle and a line across the top and write at the top ‘things I like’ on one side and ‘things I don’t like’ on the other side.  Thinking of your partner, list as much as you can, and then pass it over for your partner to do the same. If there is one thing on there are you learn about your partner, then you are winning as a couple.  You have gone from being a young man in a young man’s home and a young lady in a young lady’s home and are now learning to live together. I also suggest making a 5-year life plan so you both know where you are going to be in five years and are both on the same page.

    I hand them both my card telling them that both my wife and I offer a lifeline: if either of them ever need to talk, we will be there with a welcome ear! 24/7  If it is ever necessary, we feel if that phone call saves a marriage, then we have done our job!

I try to give each and every couple I marry words to help them have a wonderful relationship that will continue for a lifetime. As my words of common sense come to an end, I leave them with the keys to every good marriage: “Every day that you wake in the morning, and you are with your honey, you are on your honeymoon. There is no expiration date!”